Thinking of You

I've been thinking about you quite a bit lately. Nothing sad just good memories. I smile a little more when I think of you. I remember the conversations we had and to be honest, you were a pretty smart young man. I want you to know I listened and paid attention to you. I have applied some of your logical thinking to how I approach things now. Sometimes when I talk to your sister, some of the things she says reminds me of you. I know she is your twin and you two had this special mind link type of thing, she is still the honest, straight forwar d person I taught you both to be. 

Trying to navigate life without you physically being here has been and remains to be a challenge for me, but you would be proud to know I am navigating this life as you would like me to. I have been staying committed to my art. I am painting and drawing just like I know you would want me to. I sold a few pieces and I am proud of myself for that. I made your eldsest two daughters a couple of custom pieces to wear. You would be so proud of me. I also painted a couple of pieces for Brit and Justice to put in their new home. They moved in this last October and I still have them here at home. I wasnt't feeling well on the day of her house warming party and everytime I tried to get them to them something came up or they had plans. I will get them to them soon though. I also painted a picture of three ballerinas for Lil Mama and I will send it off to her soon. I created and invested money in a web site I have been trying to buid and I don't know what I am doing but I am trying. I want to do this online store and hopefully I will get it all together soon before I have to make another payment.  

I know Ive been a little depressed lately but I'm trying to work through it and I will get through it.

Your dad is not much help but when has he ever been when it comes to my dreams and desires to become successful? Its sad to say but I am okay with that. I am going to keep on keeping on. It is what it is.

Son I truly miss you and I want you to continue to watch over all of us, continue to protect us.

Love you forever and always,

Mom

Rememberance

 As time goes on, things happen that causes me to remember my loss. I lost him, my son 2 years six months and two weeks ago. Then my cousin loses her son just a matter of a few weeks ago. Different circumstances but a loss just the same. My son by way of what they call natural causes due to his health and my cousin, loses her son due to violence. He was murdered, shot to be exact. Some say over a woman, but the majority of the people say over his keys, which she took, so maybe it's fair to say it's possible it is a combination of both. Either way it is a loss.....

So I am here to offer her comfort even when I can use the comfort myself. Kinda funny actually. People seem to think I am this strong person and that I have adjusted. That is really far from the truth. I don't really sleep well, sometimes I have problems with anxiety from time to time. I also have moments when I want to be left alone and not bothered by anyone especially my husband. We are still together and to be perfectly honest I am not really sure how because I have some real resentment towards him. I have never really said anything to him about it because I don't want to make him feel anyworse than I hnow he already does but I am so angry at him about some things that he could have done he has refused or neglected to make an attempt to do.

If he really knew my feelings he would really rethink our relationship. If he was smart that is. He refuses to allow me to grieve. He has told me to let him go. I have its just that I haven't had that deep gut I miss him cry yet. I haven't had my moment of that deep mom misses her baby thing either. He has to be the strong one and that's such a load of crap. No one has to be the STRONG anything. Pain is Pain and Hurt is Hurt and if you are felling either of those things then just accept it and go through the motions of it. I wish he would allow me that much. Allow me to be in my feelings. Sometimes that's all a person really need is to be allowed to be in their feelings. I wish her would allow me.