Thinking of You

I've been thinking about you quite a bit lately. Nothing sad just good memories. I smile a little more when I think of you. I remember the conversations we had and to be honest, you were a pretty smart young man. I want you to know I listened and paid attention to you. I have applied some of your logical thinking to how I approach things now. Sometimes when I talk to your sister, some of the things she says reminds me of you. I know she is your twin and you two had this special mind link type of thing, she is still the honest, straight forwar d person I taught you both to be. 

Trying to navigate life without you physically being here has been and remains to be a challenge for me, but you would be proud to know I am navigating this life as you would like me to. I have been staying committed to my art. I am painting and drawing just like I know you would want me to. I sold a few pieces and I am proud of myself for that. I made your eldsest two daughters a couple of custom pieces to wear. You would be so proud of me. I also painted a couple of pieces for Brit and Justice to put in their new home. They moved in this last October and I still have them here at home. I wasnt't feeling well on the day of her house warming party and everytime I tried to get them to them something came up or they had plans. I will get them to them soon though. I also painted a picture of three ballerinas for Lil Mama and I will send it off to her soon. I created and invested money in a web site I have been trying to buid and I don't know what I am doing but I am trying. I want to do this online store and hopefully I will get it all together soon before I have to make another payment.  

I know Ive been a little depressed lately but I'm trying to work through it and I will get through it.

Your dad is not much help but when has he ever been when it comes to my dreams and desires to become successful? Its sad to say but I am okay with that. I am going to keep on keeping on. It is what it is.

Son I truly miss you and I want you to continue to watch over all of us, continue to protect us.

Love you forever and always,

Mom

Rememberance

 As time goes on, things happen that causes me to remember my loss. I lost him, my son 2 years six months and two weeks ago. Then my cousin loses her son just a matter of a few weeks ago. Different circumstances but a loss just the same. My son by way of what they call natural causes due to his health and my cousin, loses her son due to violence. He was murdered, shot to be exact. Some say over a woman, but the majority of the people say over his keys, which she took, so maybe it's fair to say it's possible it is a combination of both. Either way it is a loss.....

So I am here to offer her comfort even when I can use the comfort myself. Kinda funny actually. People seem to think I am this strong person and that I have adjusted. That is really far from the truth. I don't really sleep well, sometimes I have problems with anxiety from time to time. I also have moments when I want to be left alone and not bothered by anyone especially my husband. We are still together and to be perfectly honest I am not really sure how because I have some real resentment towards him. I have never really said anything to him about it because I don't want to make him feel anyworse than I hnow he already does but I am so angry at him about some things that he could have done he has refused or neglected to make an attempt to do.

If he really knew my feelings he would really rethink our relationship. If he was smart that is. He refuses to allow me to grieve. He has told me to let him go. I have its just that I haven't had that deep gut I miss him cry yet. I haven't had my moment of that deep mom misses her baby thing either. He has to be the strong one and that's such a load of crap. No one has to be the STRONG anything. Pain is Pain and Hurt is Hurt and if you are felling either of those things then just accept it and go through the motions of it. I wish he would allow me that much. Allow me to be in my feelings. Sometimes that's all a person really need is to be allowed to be in their feelings. I wish her would allow me. 

Birthday

Happy Birthday!!!!  Today I celebrate the birth of my twins. A bouncing baby boy and a beautiful baby girl!! They are so adorable. The baby girl is a curious one. That baby boy could care less he is your nonchalant baby. He's gonna be easygoing.  These were the things I was told about my babies. I was in the ICU for a while.  Then I heard the nurse say to the tech....Bring in her babies, she may not make it ...Put them on her chest, so they can listen to her heartbeat...I woke up, I got better, and was put in a semi-private, then a private room. I got better. When I felt my babies I knew I had to pull through. My poor husband didn't know what to do and I didn't want to not see them grow up.

Needless to say, those two were and still are the apples of my eyes. Today they are now 37 years old. My son, has transitioned on to heaven and my daughter is still struggling to make it through her days without as she says, her "other half." She finds it difficult today because her twin is not here to sing his crazy song and say "Cissy it's your world, I only exist in it. " 

You see, he always made their birthday her day, despite it being their day. He always wanted her to feel special, because she was his Cissy, and he loves his Cissy. He is not here physically but we hold him so near and dear to our hearts. I know this is a tough time for her, so I have to put away my feelings for just a little while and help her through. I have to make sure I help her through this day and every other day from this moment on. 

I just hop I can make it through this day without breaking down.

I Survived

 It has been quite some time since I've logged in. I have had so many challenges and I've survived them all. There is not a day, a minute. an hour, a month or a millisecond that I don't think about my son. He and his sister were the center of my universe all of their lives. It will be two years in a couple of months since he transitioned from this life to the greater and better life beyond, 

It still hurts to this day not seeing his smiling face and hearing his voice, I kept my promise to him. I am still painting, and drawing, and now I am designing tee shirts. Its been challenging to say the least considering I work the late evening shift at a local hospital, but to see my results has been amazing to say the least. I just wish my son was here to see how much better I am getting with each task I have challenged myself to do. When I close my eyes I imagine seeing him smiling at me and telling me how good or how much better I can make the work look.

I keep striving and surviving as life goes on.

Another One

Well here it is another cold and snow-filled day and you are not here physically here to enjoy it with the kids. The best part about this is we have your bestie with us. That's right your oldest baby is here at the house enjoying herself with her cousin. They have been getting on one another's nerves but I don't think they would have it any other way.  The kids have been out of school most of the week due to the snow and ice and I don't foresee them getting back to class anytime this week so they are on vacation. Son I am really trying to adjust to not seeing your handsome face and hearing your voice. This is hard and I do not wish any of this on any parent who truly loves their child(ren). This pain is different than any other and it never truly goes away. You are truly missed by everyone. When I look into your daughter's eyes I see so much of you and your middle daughter has so many of your little quirks it's uncanny. 

You know I said I wouldn't do the shoulda, woulda, coulda mess but I lied. On the one-year anniversary of your death, I did it. I was questioning myself on so many levels about all of the what-ifs why didn't I do this and why didn't I that what if I had only this and what if I had done that....Yeah, I was taking myself down through there. I am just so glad you knew in your heart, mind and soul that your mama truly loves you and always will.

Trying to Move On

      Some tell us that when you suffer a loss it gets better with time. I beg to differ. My experience has been quite different. I find that I am learning to adjust to not seeing my son every day, but the pain is still there. I feel empty inside, some days I am hollow, and I am angry and frustrated. I try to keep to myself so I don't take my anger and frustrations out on others.

     There are days when I am doing really well. It feels like he is on one of his out-of-town excursions. However, when 5 pm hits reality sets in. You see, my son called me every day at 5 pm. The phone does not ring and I remember, He is not calling. I take a deep breath and continue working. One of these days I will stop expecting his call, but until then I'll keep on keeping on.

Officially One Year

It is officially one year. One year since the death of my son. I Lost him on the 4th of October, 2022. I found him. He was in his bed and I went into his room because I could not figure out why he was not getting ready for work. He had a heart attack in his sleep. My whole world changed from that moment on. How I view the world is so different now. I think back on the many conversations he and I had and now I see and understand the things he tried to tell me.

He was a young man who believed in living life to the fullest and having nothing but fun while he was at it. He believed in uplifting others and making people laugh. 

My son was a brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, father, friend, and best friend, but most of all he was a true child of GOD. He was a strong believer in God and there were moments when I am sure his faith waivered but he knew that only through God and His help he could not have made been as successful as he was becoming, To his nephews he was Uncle Jay to me he was Boo or simply just Jay. He was and still is My baby Boy. When he was born the hospital put Baby Boy B and his sister was Babgirl A. She is the eldest of the two. (By 2 minutes) LOL

However, you would think she was the oldest by years she is most definitely the BOSS!

He has three beautiful daughters and they all have a lot of his mannerisms.  Well, they should they are HIS girls and he was most definitely the Ultimate GIRL DAD. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and causes my heart to hurt. 

After he died in October, I had to face the holidays without him. All I wanted to do was stay in bed with the covers over my head. I didn't want to face the day. I miss hearing his voice, I miss him walking into a room and literally filling the room. He could sometimes be larger than life.