Rememberance

 As time goes on, things happen that causes me to remember my loss. I lost him, my son 2 years six months and two weeks ago. Then my cousin loses her son just a matter of a few weeks ago. Different circumstances but a loss just the same. My son by way of what they call natural causes due to his health and my cousin, loses her son due to violence. He was murdered, shot to be exact. Some say over a woman, but the majority of the people say over his keys, which she took, so maybe it's fair to say it's possible it is a combination of both. Either way it is a loss.....

So I am here to offer her comfort even when I can use the comfort myself. Kinda funny actually. People seem to think I am this strong person and that I have adjusted. That is really far from the truth. I don't really sleep well, sometimes I have problems with anxiety from time to time. I also have moments when I want to be left alone and not bothered by anyone especially my husband. We are still together and to be perfectly honest I am not really sure how because I have some real resentment towards him. I have never really said anything to him about it because I don't want to make him feel anyworse than I hnow he already does but I am so angry at him about some things that he could have done he has refused or neglected to make an attempt to do.

If he really knew my feelings he would really rethink our relationship. If he was smart that is. He refuses to allow me to grieve. He has told me to let him go. I have its just that I haven't had that deep gut I miss him cry yet. I haven't had my moment of that deep mom misses her baby thing either. He has to be the strong one and that's such a load of crap. No one has to be the STRONG anything. Pain is Pain and Hurt is Hurt and if you are felling either of those things then just accept it and go through the motions of it. I wish he would allow me that much. Allow me to be in my feelings. Sometimes that's all a person really need is to be allowed to be in their feelings. I wish her would allow me.