Another One

Well here it is another cold and snow-filled day and you are not here physically here to enjoy it with the kids. The best part about this is we have your bestie with us. That's right your oldest baby is here at the house enjoying herself with her cousin. They have been getting on one another's nerves but I don't think they would have it any other way.  The kids have been out of school most of the week due to the snow and ice and I don't foresee them getting back to class anytime this week so they are on vacation. Son I am really trying to adjust to not seeing your handsome face and hearing your voice. This is hard and I do not wish any of this on any parent who truly loves their child(ren). This pain is different than any other and it never truly goes away. You are truly missed by everyone. When I look into your daughter's eyes I see so much of you and your middle daughter has so many of your little quirks it's uncanny. 

You know I said I wouldn't do the shoulda, woulda, coulda mess but I lied. On the one-year anniversary of your death, I did it. I was questioning myself on so many levels about all of the what-ifs why didn't I do this and why didn't I that what if I had only this and what if I had done that....Yeah, I was taking myself down through there. I am just so glad you knew in your heart, mind and soul that your mama truly loves you and always will.

Trying to Move On

      Some tell us that when you suffer a loss it gets better with time. I beg to differ. My experience has been quite different. I find that I am learning to adjust to not seeing my son every day, but the pain is still there. I feel empty inside, some days I am hollow, and I am angry and frustrated. I try to keep to myself so I don't take my anger and frustrations out on others.

     There are days when I am doing really well. It feels like he is on one of his out-of-town excursions. However, when 5 pm hits reality sets in. You see, my son called me every day at 5 pm. The phone does not ring and I remember, He is not calling. I take a deep breath and continue working. One of these days I will stop expecting his call, but until then I'll keep on keeping on.

Officially One Year

It is officially one year. One year since the death of my son. I Lost him on the 4th of October, 2022. I found him. He was in his bed and I went into his room because I could not figure out why he was not getting ready for work. He had a heart attack in his sleep. My whole world changed from that moment on. How I view the world is so different now. I think back on the many conversations he and I had and now I see and understand the things he tried to tell me.

He was a young man who believed in living life to the fullest and having nothing but fun while he was at it. He believed in uplifting others and making people laugh. 

My son was a brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, father, friend, and best friend, but most of all he was a true child of GOD. He was a strong believer in God and there were moments when I am sure his faith waivered but he knew that only through God and His help he could not have made been as successful as he was becoming, To his nephews he was Uncle Jay to me he was Boo or simply just Jay. He was and still is My baby Boy. When he was born the hospital put Baby Boy B and his sister was Babgirl A. She is the eldest of the two. (By 2 minutes) LOL

However, you would think she was the oldest by years she is most definitely the BOSS!

He has three beautiful daughters and they all have a lot of his mannerisms.  Well, they should they are HIS girls and he was most definitely the Ultimate GIRL DAD. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and causes my heart to hurt. 

After he died in October, I had to face the holidays without him. All I wanted to do was stay in bed with the covers over my head. I didn't want to face the day. I miss hearing his voice, I miss him walking into a room and literally filling the room. He could sometimes be larger than life.